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Jessica's Journal
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| Jessica Diane Freeman
Grading Term: 2007 Spring
MCOM-5374-001 DATA ANALYSIS: A
JOUR-6315-002 SPECIAL TOPICS IN JOURNALISM: A
MCOM-7000-001 RESEARCH: B
Cumulative GPA 3.842
Considering the whirldwind semester I've had, I consider it nothing short of a miracle. | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| | Current Music: | Thirteen Senses -- Into the Fire | | Current Location: | bed | | Time: | 12:06 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/flowers/tired.gif) drained |
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| I keep all sorts of journals, including one personal paper one just for me. Today I decided I wanted to purge some ideas I've built up as I tend to do, so I recovered the journal from the box in the top of the closet where I keep things I dont' want to throw away but don't want to look at too much. It turns out that the last time I wrote in there was April 15 last year, which apparently wasn't a very good day, either.
I. Hate. Lubbock. So much just want to get in my car right now and drive home. Don't want to spend the summer in Aspen. Don't want to do anything. Just be home. Where I know things. Sort of. Not really.
Two major papers, one minor one due this week. Work. School. Needs to be over. This is so just not worth it.
For someone who writes so much, I hate reading all of it. I'm so weird. When I read the thoughts that actually go through my head, I'm reminded of just how much. I will probably erase this later.
I don't want to get a PhD. What does one do with a master's in mass communications, though? Why can't I get it through my head that just because I'm capable of getting a doctorate doesn't mean I should?
I forget what the point in coming here was. Whatever it may have been that I set out to do, I'm pretty sure I haven't.
I'm pretty sure I liked my life at 18 much more than at 22. So much for post-secondary education and goals. I miss 18. 18 was fun. 22 is not fun. At least not this 22.
So, what now?
People are getting married and having babies and getting jobs and living in crazy places. What am I supposed to do? So much of me has just been to push on to the next thing.
I think I need a new plan. Lackthereof has never suited me very well.
From Wikipedia:
While a person's overall happiness is not objectively measurable, this does not mean it does not have a real physiological component. The neurotransmitter dopamine, perhaps especially in the mesolimbic pathway projecting from the midbrain to structures such as the nucleus accumbens, is involved in desire and seems often related to pleasure. Pleasure can be induced artificially with drugs, perhaps most directly with opiates such as morphine, with activity on mu-opioid receptors. There are neural opioid systems that make and release the brain's own opioids, active at these receptors. Mu-opioid neural systems are complexly interrelated with the mesolimbic dopamine system. New science, using genetically altered mice, including ones deficient in dopamine or in mu-opioid receptors, is beginning to tease apart the functions of dopamine and mu-opioid systems, which some scientists (e.g., Kent C. Berridge) think are more directly related to happiness. Stefan Klein in his book "The Science of Happiness" links these biological foundations of happiness to the concepts and findings of Positive Psychology and Social Psychology.
So really it all comes back to biology and pheromones? That's just ... great.
I should really take up drinking.
Another part of mood management theory: When we have biological reactions like laughing, crying -- we don't necessarily have the capability to understand why.
The only good thing about April 15 is that it is 23 days away from May 8. And then, I guess, I will have time to figure out, then what.
But, there is something good about writing. I feel somewhat better. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| http://www.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/04/14/britain.william.reut/index.html
So, now we can all move on and I can start planning my wedding. And, since I'm going to be a princess and everything, I really don't need to worry about school, and thus, an occupation.
Which couldn't come at a better time, because I have an elephant's weight in work to do over the next three weeks, particularly in this next week.
And, though I did find order in cleaning my apartment last night for the first time since before spring break, it's nice to know I won't have to do that again, since I'll have royal housekeepers to take care of my castle.
I'm totally going to be a princess. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Makes Me Wonder | | Subject: | Mood Management | | Time: | 09:33 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/flowers/silly.gif) crazy |
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| Girl hormones, dark chocolate bunnies and Grey's Anatomy make for a crazy Jessica who cries on cue.
Mood management theory tells us that people seek stimuli that will help them achieve emotional equilibrium. For us media people, it means that we seek movies, tv shows, music ... that makes us feel how we need to feel at that time. It's kind of a duh theory. If you're in a bad mood and you want to be put in a good mood, then you watch something funny. If you're sad and find some sort of utility in that, you watch Grey's Anatomy and eat chocolate bunnies.
It's a good, logical theory, and I like it. At the same time, it kind of assumes that everything we do can somehow be linked back to a biological need. It's the same line of reasoning that we fall in love with someone because they smell a certain way.
Then again, I've done that. Or at least it was a strong, strong factor. Pheromones are the devil. I like to think that the things I think, feel and do mean more, buttttt ... maybe not so much.
My professor studied under Zillmann, who came up with mood managment and tons of other stuff. It's freaking crazy. He said that the PhD program he came from was known to kick out people just because they didn't fit in there. This world of expanding knowledge is creating a lot of cognitive dissonance in my simple mind.
In other news, Freebirds is growing on me, and though I'm not sure what to make of the new Maroon 5 song, the video makes me want to make out with someone on a plane.
Time for a hot bath and soothing music. Mood management solves everything. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| One broad theory that can be applied to mass comm is narrative theory. If you want to get into the logistics, it can get kinda complicated, but the gist of it is that we use stories (in mass comm TV shows, movies, etc.) to help make sense of our own lives.
We all do this, whether we like to believe we are shallow enough beings to take our cues from media.
About a week ago, I watched the series finale of "Six Feet Under." I'm not going to hash out everything that happened, but basically in the show, a character died, so the family of said dead character was considering moving out of their home. One character says to the other something to the effect of: "I don't know why we even keep hanging on to this place and the past." The other character replies, "Because that's when there was hope."
I get it. And that little bit of "shallow" media resonated with me.
(I also hate it when people quote dialogue from TV shows. If I wanted to watch the show, I'd watch it. But, alas, I use it to make a point.)
I remember the day I went to register at UTA. I came back to my grandparent's house and lay, floating around aimlessly in their above-ground pool for hours. When I look back now on that simple thing, laying there in the sun before college started and life changed and I grew up, I think about everything I didn't know. While I'm sure I was far from carefree, everything was open. Life was exciting. There was a certain amount of hope floating around on a plastic raft in that pool.
And lately, I just don't feel that.
I don't want to give the impression that life is hopeless anything crazy like that. I know logically that I'm 22, and I have plenty of life ahead of me.
But, sometimes I wish I could just get back to that feeling, before everything, of wondering what was going to happen to me. Before all the good and all the heartache that pushes you under the weight of adulthood.
And part of me wishes I could go back and tell that younger me to hold onto that feeling better than I have.
"And as I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it. He did not know that it was already behind him, somewhere back in that vast obscurity beyond the city, where the dark fields of the republic rolled on under the night.
Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that’s no matter—tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther. . . . And one fine morning——
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past."
-F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Great Gatsby"
Stories really do help us make sense of our lives. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | One Good, Three Bad -- Scott McCurry | | Current Location: | couch | | Subject: | Side Effects | | Time: | 12:13 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/flowers/thirsty.gif) hungry |
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| Fuck me. Another wasted day and so much left undone. There's a stack of papers on the floor needing to be graded. I know I won't have much time this weekend, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it tonight. Between the exhaustion, vertigo and all-around feeling like crap, it just didn't get done. Fuck fuck fuck.
Can you tell I don't feel good?
I just started taking some antibiotics a few days ago, and I've been feeling awful. I wake up nauseous and spend the day feeling dizzy and unbalanced. I think it's funny how the warning lable says something like "Your doctor prescribed this medication because he/she thought the benifits outweighed the side effects."
I don't think I like me very much right now.
I don't know if it's me or the medication, but I cried more this week than I have probably in the last year. I watched the finale of Six Feet Under a few days ago and bawled like an idiot. I took a bath earlier and cried again. I think everything is just a little bit overwhelming right now. Nothing really makes sense. My brain can't seem to wrap itself around anything lately.
And I'm so tired. And I'm so angry. At me and at God and at life. And I can't seem to make sense of any of it.
I want a fucking burrito from Freebirds, but it's 12:30 a.m. and nothing is open.
I don't want to work tomorrow. I want to sit in my pajamas. I have so much to do. I just want to sleep.
And I have a fucking stack of papers to grade.
I hate myself later for writing things like this. But ... I am. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Some days lately, I feel like I'm in a 12-step program.
Anyhow ...
I'm pretty sure that all of life's lessons can be solved by watching "House M.D." Last night, I stumbled across the answer to something that has perplexed me for years. Have you ever noticed how just as people fall asleep, almost every time, if you watch them closely enough, you will notice that they have a quick twitch or jerk. Why do people do this?
As it turns out, according to Dr. House, and further, Wikepedia (the centers of all knowledge in the universe), the formal name for this is a hypnic jerk. There's many theories on why this happens, but one is that when falling asleep, as you relax and your temperature drops so rapidly, your body thinks you are dying and sends an electrical pulse as a means of survival. I think that's interesting.
Speaking of centers of knowledge, I enjoyed a good cup of chai tea with Dr. B. this afternoon and discussed all of the wonders of life as a grad student -- mostly my thesis and Ph.D. programs. He suggested a methodolgy building upon my "how people model characteristics of an ideal mate from TV shows" idea, involving word association. It's crazy awesome, and I'm not sure I fully understand it yes, but it has the potential to be awesome.
Segueing in to research projects: I'm supposed to be doing an annotated bibliography right now for one of my classes. We get to do another research proposal, and I'm proposing a survey for teen bloggers on who they are, what they blog about and why they blog. I should be working, but instead, I'm writing in my own blog.
This afternoon, I was coming in to my apartment and one of my neighbors, an older gentleman, was washing his car. It has been quite dreary here, and I commented "What a rainy day to be washing your car." He said he didn't mind because he was selling it anyway and moving out of Lubbock. I asked him where, and he said to Arizona, at which point he added, "There are too many hicks in Lubbock." I thought that was ironic and amusing.
I don't know if I'm yet seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe just the traintracks. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| So, today has been slightly unnerving. I slept late, until about 12:30, because, well, that's what I do on Sundays. Anyway, it sounds crazy, but I was dreaming about a tornado coming down out of the sky when I finally woke up this afternoon. The sound of the rain must have been seeping into my subconscious, because I was compelled to turn on the TV as soon as I woke. It turns out, we were under a tornado warning (though the storm at that point didn't seem that bad). What's more, I live on 82nd Street and University, and the brief touchdown was at 98th Street and University, so you do the math.
This sent me into a frenzy trying to find my pants, because noone wants to be in a tornado without pants. I live on the upper-level of my apartment, and so I went downstairs to see if my neighbor would let me stay in her apartment until the storm passed. I must've looked like a hobo, but she was just coming in with her parents, who are visiting, and welcomed me in. They were just coming from Target up the street and said they'd seen the funnel cloud:
http://www.kcbd.com/Global/category.asp?C=4401&nav=menu69_2
I never would have even known there was a storm had I not have woken up. I read a couple of weeks ago that there are no tornado sirens near my house -- the closest is 68th Street, and you can only hear them within a half mile. Coming from Fort Worth and being able to hear the sirens with even the thought of a tornado, it seems really bizarre.
Luckily, nothing happened, and I was able to get to work OK. As I was driving, I thought it was so weird how calm it was only an hour after a tornado. The rain had pretty much stopped, and the sun was starting to peek out. I saw some disaster relief trucks on the way.
So, we've been getting waves of storms all day. About 6:45, they broke in with the umpteenth weather bulletin, and the lady I was working with told me I should go home before the streets flooded. I chose to take the highway, because the surface streets flood immediately with almost a little bit of rain. It turns out that was a good decision, because when I got home, the news said the surface street I would have taken was completely underwater and pretty much undriveable. It was bad enough on I-27, as I had a couple of tense moments with being splashed and not being able to see. As I got off the highway, I had to go through some high water. It's still raining goats, but I'm home safe and sound, and I'm about to make some dinner.
I've really gotta get out of Lubbock. | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| I woke up really wanting one of those Little Debbie oatmeal cream pies, but my last trip to the grocery store was an experiment in snack food, and I ended up with what turned out to be a dissapointing venture into Boston creme pie cakes. But what is the lesson here? Go for the safe snack? More than anything, I just wonder the difference between cream and creme.
I have to work again today. Booooooo.
And tomorrow. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
My apartment is a post-trip mess, as it has been since I came back from Spring Break. Clothes and suitcases everywhere. It's really annoying. I should do something about that.
So much stuff to do.
Gotta get ready for work. And by work, I mean unpaid internship. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Nope, I don't sleep.
I really want to write something intelligent that is not whiney, prolific or mellowdramatic. But ... no.
A day in my pajamas would be really nice. I still have yet to get that, even over Spring Break.
It's like I always fight sleep. Even when I'm tired, I just want to stay up a little bit longer. I don't really understand why, but when it comes down to it, I don't really know why I do most things.
Grey's Anatomy is starting to piss me off. First there were sinking ferries, drowning Merediths, and now it's George and Izzie. Gizzie? I think they are running out of ideas, but I suppose there's only so many things you can do with the same people in the same hospital. Still, House manages to pull it off. I'm pretty sure House is my baby daddy.
But, I will still watch.
As long as there's a Patrick Dempsey, yes, I will still watch.
It's been rainy here the last few days. But, I like rain, especially rain when it's 70 degrees outside, so that's OK. So far Lubbock in spring has been ... get this ... pleasant.
OK, I'm going to bed so I can go work another riviting shift at the A-J tomorrow. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I've had this discussion with other people before, but one of the weird reprecuttions of having a DVR, for me at least, is that you find yourself reaching for the remote to rewind life. Literally, I've had incidents where I missed something the professor said in class or something of the like and momentarily thought to myself, "I'll just rewind that." Other people have expressed that they have had the same experience.
If you could Tivo life, what would you do? I'd probably do some rewinds and fast forward through the Lubbock stuff. People say life is in the living, but that's somewhat idealistic. I say sometimes part of life is just getting through things. Sometimes fast forward sounds really nice.
I had wanted to take a nap and wake up and do some homework. I have so much to do, but I'm so tired. There was no easing into my first day back. Went from about 9 a.m. to 7 p.m. with no intermissions, with the exception of a 15-minute break to inhale a Subway sandwich. Then I had to go to the grocery store, because there was just nothing here. I still haven't found the energy to make dinner, and I think one of my wisdom teeth is pushing through, possibly in the side of my gum, which makes eating kind of painful anyways.
However, my first post-daylight-savings-time school day was appreciated. It's funny how something so small as an extra hour or so of sunlight can make everything seem better. But the sun is down now, and I feel like crap.
The worst feeling in the world is helplessness, I think. To help yourself, to help others, to know that you just have to leave things alone. And, there seem to be a lot of situations just like that. I feel very helpless about a lot of things lately. I've second-guessed my every move, as I tend to do about everything because I am me. I've done everything I can, I've left it alone, I've picked at it, messed with it, stayed, moved, changed, changed back. Life can be stupid. I can sometimes be stupider. WTF, you are wondering. Yep. Me too.
As my first year of grad school is winding down, the prospect of a PhD program is becoming more and more real. By December, I will have to have applied to all of my schools, assuming I decide I want to go. I've also been thinking a lot about PR. I think, on some level, it'd be neat to get a job doing something similar to this Aspen thing. Working for a symphony or something artsy somewhere, doing promotional writing and such. I think as long as it was a subject I enjoyed, I wouldn't feel like I was, as we journalists sometimes consider public relations specialists, turning to the dark side. But I don't know. I've always been too ambitious for my own good. And, at least up until now, I do the school thing relatively well. For a 5'6, 110 softspoken girl, I'm more competitive than you'd ever know. Mostly with myself. And, part of me just wants to see if I CAN get a doctorate.
We had an off-topic discussion in one of my classes today about how even more "teaching-based" (versus research-based) universities are going all academic. It seems like even more and more two-year colleges are expecting that their instructors have PhD's. Research requirements for tenure track professors are going up. I've seen it, too. All but maybe one or two of my teachers in communications at UTA were instructors with a maximum a master's. Most just had lots of real world experience. But, a few months ago, I checked into some of their academic job listings, and the communications department only wanted those with doctorates. I wonder, sometimes, where that leaves me. I get the whole research thing, and I think I have the potential to do it well. But, at the same time, I think I may be more happy at a teaching-based university. I can see myself teaching news writing for the rest of my life, making a little less money and being fine with that.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'd be happy going back to somewhere like UTA. You have a more heavy teaching load, but you have more of a chance to be involved with your students, etc. I'm not naive enough to think that you can make a difference with every student, or even most, but I think I'd be happy helping out a few. After all, it was my teaching experiences as a Shorthorn editor that originally drew me to academia. I think, sometimes, it's easy to get blindsided by all the changes going on in the profession and the little bit more money and prestige that you can achieve. But, in the end, there will always be teaching institutions, more than likely, and someone's got to be there to fill the positions. I figure, it might as well be me. I think I'd rather be happy with what I'm doing. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I love the fact that it is almost 8:30 p.m. and there's still just a little bit of light fading from the sky. Short days suck. Long days make life bearable.
So, I'm back in the LBK. Well, that's what they call it on Facebook and the radio. I kind of hate that, actually. I remember laying in bed last night thinking it was kind of ridiculous, and I was annoyed. I think what was more annoying was the thought of coming back to Lubbock.
Anyhow, despite the annoying amount of baggage I decided to lug around (oops, I just remembered I still need to get that out of the car), I was pleasantly suprised when I stepped off the plane today around 5:30 p.m. and was not, for the first time in about six months, slapped in the face by Lubbock wind. I'd been dreading it. Maybe it knew I was coming and decided to give me a day off.
However, when I got home, I was greeted by a very confusing forwarded e-mail saying something about my internship this summer only counting for three hours, as opposed to six. That's probably going to be a mess, then, that's going to have to be sorted out tomorrow. Ugh, tomorrow ... class, school. Tomorrow. Anyhow, I suppose I should be happy. Until a few weeks ago, I didn't think it was going to count for anything but fun and experience. We shall see. Regardless, Aspen is going to rock my world.
BUT, whatever happens, the end is in sight. I had a fun (though, not necessarily relaxing) Spring Break, and counting this week, I have about seven full weeks of school left. I feel like I can do that, though I hope I haven't spoken too soon.
My vacation was spent in and out of airports. I managed to go from Lubbock, to Austin and Houston (connecting flights), to Jackson, Mississippi, back to Houston to connect, then to Dallas, and then back to Lubbock. After spending most of Wednesday delayed in Houston because of the weather, I could do without flying again for a while.
That might be a problem, though. I'm trying to decide if I should go home for Easter. Apparently everyone is going to Nanny's for a big deal thing for the first time in years and years. Nanny is getting older, and this might be one of the last times we are all in the same place at the same time, so I'd really like to go. I feel weird asking off again so soon after Spring Break from my internship (I work Saturdays and Sundays), but I've made up any missed time, and the internship is unpaid. So, I dunno. I feel like I should be there and would really like to go. I have really fond memories of Easters spent at Nanny's when I was little. It's out in the country, and they always cover her huge yard in eggs for all the kids to hunt.
Why am I watching Dancing with the Stars? Ooooooh, the legless one is actually doing pretty well, though. They opted for the Fox Trot. Interesting.
Blah, I've got some reading to do for tomorrow. Blah. Blah, blah freakin blah. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| 11 a.m. Just woke up. Patio door open. Lawnmowers buzzing, sweet-smelling air and already 68 degrees. It will get up to 79 today, says my computer thingimajig.
Maybe I should undelete my other journal. I just got an urge to see where I was this time last year, and it's not there. Helps me monitor progress, etc.
I slept well last night. I'm not sure what time I went to bed, but it was late, which begs the question, why am I up and alert now? I think it's the weather.
The time changes tonight, thank God. Literally, thank God. I don't know how many more short days I could take. The only catch is that I have to be at the airport at 5:30 a.m. tomorrow, and I lose an hour, so you do the math.
It's a morning that has the potential to spawn bad poetry. But none of that today, fortunately. There is no time. I have to work later, have packing, want to get my nails done so I can condifentley wear sandals while on vacation.
Got an invitation to Troy and Lesley's wedding a few days ago. They're getting married in April. Renee is getting married next month, as well. Hm.
Dr. Bradley e-mailed his friend at Mizzou for me to ask about the program. It's looking like there might be potential there. Part of me wants to go back to Fort Worth and like ... run some stuff. But, Mizzou is right now ranked something like the #1 journalism school in the U.S. If I got in there, I would not pass it up -- this I am sure of. However, someone would have to teach me about snow tires and driving on ice.
Don't want to close this, because I feel I should be saying something more profound. But, meh ... | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I am sitting in the lab monitoring an experiment. Sometimes I wonder how I got from being a music major to hooking people up to electrodes, but OK.
I am tired of the wind here. I'm tired of the sound and brushing my hair 87 billion times a day and being cold all the time.
Nikki told me yesterday that she'd teach me how to do cool spiral curls with my hair. That should be interesting.
I have class in two hours and have done no reading.
I do not want to know how I did on my Data Analysis midterm. I think I'd be greatful for a B at this point.
I'm kinda in a sad place right now. I have a lot of things in my life that I should be happy for, I know. I'm just not. Maybe the break will do me some good. I dunno. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | nothingness of after 2 a.m. Lubbock radar | | Current Location: | couch | | Subject: | My everything hurts | | Time: | 02:02 am | | Current Mood: | exhausted |
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| It is certainly time for Spring Break. I can't help but feel that my body is giving out on me. I keep pushing it -- working everyday without a break for about a month or so now. Maybe longer. I've lost track. Not eating healthy because I just don't have time. I need to start going to the grocery store more again, but even finding time to do that seems impossible. So, there's been a lot of takeout. Which hasn't helped. Does anyone have any suggestions for healthy/easy meals? I like casseroles that reheat well ...
I have 3 billion makeup exams to give to undergraduates this week. It's superfun trying to schedule that.
But yes, Spring Break is almost here. If only I can hang on until Sunday. That's when I fly to Mississippi to see Jean. Though I've visited with her down here in Texas, I haven't been up to Jackson to see her since Thanksgiving my senior year in high school. It will be a welcome change of scenery. And then ... I'm going to fly home to DFW, see my family and sleep as much as humanly possible. A week isn't long enough, but it'll have to do. And then will begin my descent into summer. After the break, there will be only really part of March and all of April. The beginning of May is finals, so most of that month is free. Thank God.
I've been going back and forth alot lately about doctoral programs. I just don't know if I have it in me to go to school (probably with more elitists than I'd like to think about) for four years after this. And quite frankly, I just want to go home for a while. I just don't know. A couple of times, Dr. B. has offered to call his friend at Mizzou about the journalism program, and the other day, he asked me what I thought about the University of Alabama. I have to say, Mizzou especially would be hard to turn down. And, it's really encouraging having someone believe in you so much that they're willing to go the extra mile to share their contacts. I have a feeling that this is one of those decisions that won't be made until I get a last-minute gut feeling. So, we'll see.
As I was sitting up grading papers just now, I was halfway watching this thing on the Discovery Channel about these scientests who supposedly found Jesus' tomb. Again, I must concede that I was only watching it halfway, but from what I saw, and from what I can interpret with the scientific grad student background I'm building, I can't see any way that this could be proven. I mean, first and foremost, operationalize Jesus. Is this just some guy named Jesus, or is it the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? And then, how would you ever trace that? There's just no way. Not now. And further, either way, though it's fascinating, I don't think it's really relevant to Christianity itself. The Bible teaches us faith -- to believe without question. Whether we "prove" Jesus is buried in some tomb somewhere should not affect faith, under the Christian definition. Faith should be present, proof or no proof at all. Faith implies something beyond Earthly evidence. But, again, that's just my ill-educated opinion based on one thing I was half-watching on the Discovery Channel.
I finished grading for tonight. I've eaten an orange. I'm still hungry, but too tired to fix anything I have in my kitchen. And, i have places to be tomorrow. I can't wait to be home. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Other Side of the world -- KT Tunstall | | Subject: | Beat | | Time: | 12:06 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/flowers/sad.gif) sad |
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| | Is being an adult simply coming to terms with the idea that your life is not going to be all you hoped it would? | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| I am kind of angry right now, but I'm not going to elaborate on why. Perhaps it is just me.
Anyhow, it's likely to be a side effect of my frustration. This semester is like ... the semester from hell. I've said this before, yes. But truly -- it's starting to equal editor levels. Internship + data analysis + other classes + lab = sucky semester. I didn't need to take a course on SPSS to figure that out.
I've been studying for my Data Analysis midterm all day. When I did all the stuff in class the first time around, it made sense, but today, trying to put it all together sucked. And, as the prof told the class, if we don't do well on this test, we will not pass the class. Period. End of sentence. That ... makes me ill.
I am tired. I mean -- hello, I'm up at 2 a.m. It's not because of procrastination, as I have no time to procrastinate. I do my stuff. I sleep. I get up and do it again. That's fine. I knew that would happen when I signed up to be a grad student. But sometimes, I feel like even doing everything I can possibly do is not enough.
If doing all of this and still feeling like I haven't done enough at the end of the day is what it takes to get a PhD, maybe I don't need a Dr. title before my name. I don't mind working hard. I might complain about it, but at the end of the day, I'll get my stuff done. But, if doing all of that doesn't result in some satisfaction, maybe it's just not worth it. Maybe I'll go make the same or more money somewhere else.
It's also possible that I'm just having a bad day.
I keep thinking about this summer, though. Just focusing on that light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps I should be more focused on other things this summer, like getting research done or starting a thesis. But, truly, in the great words of Andy or someone else I forget, "expletive" that noise. I'm going to go live in a condo on a mountain and write about classical music. And you know what? I'm going to like it. It might not help my CV, but it will help me to clear my head, gain real-world experience and be a more clear-minded student in the fall.
Guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ...
I miss my friends from home who are now scattered about.
I miss Fort Worth.
I miss my life. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| I GET TO GO TO ASPEN THIS SUMMER!!! Yayyyyyyyyyyy!!!! I get to leave the 105 degree heat behind! Yayyyy!!!!
The lady called and said they were really excited about me and that I had glowing recommendations. Yayyyy! | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| So, a few hours ago I interviewed for a PR position with a music festival in Aspen, Colorado. From what I can tell, the position sounds ideal. Feature writing, music, improving my design skills -- it all sounds like a custom fit. I feel like the interview went as well as could possibly be expected -- I think I generally do a good job of turning on that charm you need in those situations. I have a resume that, in my opinion, fits what they want to the T. If picked, they would give me a place to live for the summer and a big enough stipend I could pay my bills back home with a good amount of ease.
So, now, I wait.
When I am in these positions, I often think back to this one Sunday when I was little. My family had gone to the same church since long before my mother was born, and I'd often go with my Mammaw. There was a small class of about 10 of us kids, whose families had grown up together. The teacher was an older lady who probably had no official seminary schooling or anything of that nature. Just a good ole' church lady teaching little kids about Jesus. Of all the Sundays I spent there, that one stands out in my mind.
We were working out of our little church workbooks, and somehow the concept of prayer came up. As I remember, some of the kids weren't especially good at school, and I remember her telling us this:
Of course, if you go to school and haven't studied or anything, God isn't just going to hand you an A. But if you work really hard, do everything you can, and pray about it, you've got a really good chance.
Or something like that. It was a long time ago.
And on days like today, when my heart is jumping around, hoping that I get my way about something, I have to remind myself that I've done everything I can do, and now it's up to God. Sometimes wanting something really bad isn't enough. It really comes down to a combination of what I've worked hard for, and ultimately, what His plan is for me.
And sometimes, it's SO hard submitting to that. To the idea that I may not get something because I am or am not good enough -- but because it just isn't in the stars.
I'm not really interested in having my thoughts on God criticized. That's my belief system, and anyone else is entitled to their perrogative. I respect that a lot. It's just what's on my heart this warm, perfect day, as I'm waiting to hear back.
So, I should know sometime by the end of the week it sounded like, though she didn't give a date. I hope I have good news to report to you next time I write. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| It's been in the high 60s here for the last two days, but I hear by Valentine's Day, we're supposed to be getting snow again. I'll be glad when winter passes. I know that's kind of a duh statement, but good lord, I'm tired of worrying about driving on ice and if my shirt has enough sleeves.
SO, I'm planning Spring Break stuff right now. Looks like I'll be spending a few days in Jackson, MIssissippi with Jean, and then on home, and then possibly to Austin to see Rosario. This is all very exciting because I never go anywhere for Spring Break. It's all relatively local, but it will make for a nice change.
I'm truly exhausted. I haven't had a real day off in something like three weeks. Today was somewhat off, but it was spent catching up on things that I haven't been able to do because of all the other crap ... like grocery shopping and internship-applying and grading. I didn't even get everything done that I needed to, but I guess that's what tomorrow is for.
Speaking of internships, I hate how some internships never even bother to let you know you weren't selected. Granted, I realize some get many applications, but "said" internship application was quite more involved than the others, and they couldn't even manage a form letter? Fuck that shit.
On the other hand, I'm applying for this public relations/publications internship with a music festival in Aspen, Colorado. I've only been to Colorado once before in my life, and never to Aspen, so I think it'd be a nice change. If I got it, they'd pay for housing and a stipend. Part of me was set on going home for the summer, but Aspen kind of trumps Fort Worth, so I hope I get it. The job description asks for someone who is an excellent feature writer, who has experience in InDesign and Quark and preferrably someone who has a strong appreciation for classical music. As I have a minor in music and more than meet all of the other qualifications, I think I stand a good shot, but we'll see. The thing I've learned is that nothing with these things is ever certain.
So, now starts the downward slope of the semester. I'm about halfway through, and after May, I'll be halfway (really a little more so) through with my master's. Time to start thinking about PhD programs. Any suggestions? | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
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Jessica's Journal
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